I’m really in such a mood to just blast The Rocket Summer and sing so fucking loud and think about the car rides and late nights with my sister where that’s all we’d do.
I don’t feel threatened by talented male artists but I feel very threatened by talented female artists, and that’s one of the many reasons I’m just a sad, small person.
I’m up all kinds of early because I’m going to Warped today so I figured I’d make this post now. Today marks three years that I’m clean of self harm. I’m so relieved that I’m able to hit this milestone but I’m not gonna act like this wasn’t a huge struggle. I’m not gonna act like just because I’m three years clean now, things are gonna be easier all of a sudden. I have to choose recovery each and every day. I know it’s not gonna leave me for a long time. But I’m doing extremely well and I deserve to be proud of myself. I have an amazing support system and I appreciate every single person who has ever talked me out of hurting myself and ruining my recovery. I know that without certain people in my life, I wouldn’t even be able to say I’m a day clean. You guys know who you are, and thank you.
I haven’t really wanted to rip my arms or legs apart lately. Its been more of a craving to rip stripes up my sides.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. Maybe I’m just having an off week or maybe my depression is getting worse again. It has a habit of coming in phases. I honestly don’t know. I hardly know who I am right now and very few things feel okay. It’s been quite a while since I’ve felt this way. I don’t know what to do.
I’m so dumb
Why am I crying about this
I have the ability to change this
I just don’t know if the other person wants to change it, too
So ill sit here and cry until I decide what to do
I’m really not appreciating some of the stupid people around me complaining that I don’t see them or visit them at work or answer their texts. The last few weeks have left me fucking dead, and the last few days have particularly left me like a zombie. I’ll answer your stupid dull text when I get to it and have the energy. I’ll visit you at work on a day where I don’t want to kill myself. I have to make time for myself and my school work and getting a job and my best friends that need me. Tomorrow is one of my favorite days of the year and I’m gonna enjoy it and spend the later part of it with my best friend for her birthday celebration because quite frankly that’s much more important than entertaining someone much less important at their shitty job. Let me breathe, give me space, I’m not fucking magical, I’m only human. Let me do things at my own pace and I promise my presence will be much more enjoyable.
I have been so good and I honestly couldn’t even tell you the last time I counted calories but I’m ay waffle house right now and they have the calories next to everything on the menu even the orange juice and now I’m internally panicking because I’m starting to worry about these calories and it’s jusy not fair because I’ve done so well and haven’t even thought about those kinds of things and now it’s being thrown in my face and I can’t even ignore it.
I feel kind of off and I can’t decide if I want to sleep in my room or on the couch and I can’t decide if I want to doodle pictures of Brittney Murphy in my dictionary or in my sketch book and I’m upset that I’m by myself so I’m just listening to Balance and Composure to try and fill the void but it’s not working and you can tell I’m upset because this is a paragraph worth of a run on sentence and I just want to smell the rain.
It’s late and I’m not tired and I’m just sad. It’s more numbness but there’s sadness behind it. I don’t even know how to put whats wrong into words. I feel like nothing is real. Rub my back and tell me my tattoos are beautiful when I cry.
I can tell I’m growing by my reactions to seeing certain things. Yes, my stomach is in knots. Yes, I would have preferred not seeing it. But no, this time I don’t want to slash my skin with broken glass. No, this time I won’t cry.
That first kiss video really..I don’t even know. I feel like I felt what they were feeling. My stomach is all weird and I’m smiling and that was just such an incredible thing to do. I hope a few of them stay in contact. I feel like some of them were just right. All of them, really. First kisses are so wonderful.