We’ve all seen things we just really wish we didn’t see. But fuck that, I’m happy right now. I can genuinely say that I’m happy right now. When I wake up in the morning will I still be able to say that? Maybe. By the afternoon will I still be able to say that? Probably not. But right now, I am so fucking happy. I’m happy with the way things are going. I’m happy about the way certain things are on track. There’s a lot to smile about right now. I let myself be livid for five minutes and that’s it. There’s no reason something insignificant should bring down my mood right now. As fucking stressed and horrible everything has seemed lately, it’s getting brighter.
Currently sad which is nothing new for quarter to ten at night. And even though I’m upset and feeling really trapped and like I’m worthless, I feel grateful. I like the way certain things are looking. I like the way I’m picked up and get sense knocked into me when I’m being an idiot. I just like feeling loved even when my life is like this.
I’m much luckier than I think I deserve sometimes, but the reality is that I do deserve it. I deserve the best and that’s what I have. I’m endlessly grateful.
I’ll never let someone who’s supposed to be my best friend make me cry like that again. You don’t ever treat someone who loves you like that. I didn’t deserve it. None of us did.
Just saw some self harm on my dash and now I’m freaking out a little. When will things stop being triggering to me. It’s been over three years. When is this going to end.
I just tried to watch one of my favorite shows and I had to make my mom turn it off less than two minutes in because I’m sobbing and coughing my lungs out. I hate myself.
I’ll never understand why people think it’s necessary to tell me that they prefer my hair longer. Unless I specifically ask you how you feel about my hair, it does not matter and I don’t want to hear about it. Just when I thought I’d come across someone who wouldn’t care to tell me that, I was wrong.
I hate that everyone just sees me as a girl and that’s really not what I want at all. I wish everyone was on the same page about gender so it could make my life and plenty other people’s lives that much easier. I’m just tired of she. I’m tired of, “but you look like a boy like that”. I’m tired of my birth name being held over my head. I’m tired of, “but it’s different cause you’re a girl”. I’m just tired of all of it. Just let me be a person. Let me exist in comfort. Don’t put me in a box like this because it’s way too tight in here.
Guys I’m no longer underweight and I almost weigh enough to be able to donate blood! And the best part is that it’s all muscle. Progresssss. I never thought I would see the day that I’d be happy about gaining weight. It does feel a little off but I’m pushing that feeling away and making sure I’m proud of myself for this kind of progress instead.
I just need to find some self control and stop looking at things that I know for a fact will upset me. I don’t need this kind of negativity but I’m lacking the willpower to keep it away.
You would think that by now I’d realize that staying awake doesn’t mean tomorrow won’t come. Fighting sleep doesn’t mean I won’t eventually pass out. Being upset about sleep won’t make it any easier.
It’s so easy to be angry. I try so hard to only be angry at real things that matter. There’s no sense in being angry at someone because you think they’re more attractive than you. There’s no sense in being angry at the world for never giving you a fair chance.There’s no sense in being angry at yourself for something you can change. There’s no sense in being angry at the past. I have to remember these things. I can’t be angry at everything.
I’m really in such a mood to just blast The Rocket Summer and sing so fucking loud and think about the car rides and late nights with my sister where that’s all we’d do.
I don’t feel threatened by talented male artists but I feel very threatened by talented female artists, and that’s one of the many reasons I’m just a sad, small person.
I’m up all kinds of early because I’m going to Warped today so I figured I’d make this post now. Today marks three years that I’m clean of self harm. I’m so relieved that I’m able to hit this milestone but I’m not gonna act like this wasn’t a huge struggle. I’m not gonna act like just because I’m three years clean now, things are gonna be easier all of a sudden. I have to choose recovery each and every day. I know it’s not gonna leave me for a long time. But I’m doing extremely well and I deserve to be proud of myself. I have an amazing support system and I appreciate every single person who has ever talked me out of hurting myself and ruining my recovery. I know that without certain people in my life, I wouldn’t even be able to say I’m a day clean. You guys know who you are, and thank you.