I just love how today is always one of my favorite days of the year and I had someone bring me home early and started crying as soon as I walked in the house because I just feel so fucking horrible about everything.
I don’t know how long I’m gonna try to do this for but I think I’m gonna try to be on tumblr at least a little less. I have things to figure out and books to read and albums to listen to and things to draw and paint. I’ve been a bit of a mess and I guess I need things other than blogging to distract myself. Don’t get me wrong, ill still be posting. Just a bit less, hopefully.
I just finished my book and I’m honestly beyond heartbroken that it’s over. I really don’t think I’ve ever felt this way towards any book, not even Perks, which is really saying something. But tonight I’ll start piecing together ideas to start a series of Circus based paintings and drawings. I refuse to let this die out just yet, just because the book came to an end for me.
I just woke up to texts from 7 different people asking me if I’m okay and some of them said to let them know if I need anything at all. I don’t know, I guess that just feels really good, that they care and all.
It makes me sad that I can’t really see my sister on her birthday anymore because she’s off doing greater things with her big group of friends. The age difference between us has never been much of a problem but now it’s actually making a difference. I can’t do anything with her and all of her friends occupy her to the point where she never sees me unless we’re at a family event or going to a show. It sucks and I miss her terribly and I want my sister back. I never imagined our lives would ever be so separate from each others, even with age.
Ugh I have to leave for dinner in less than an hour and I miss my girlfriend and I really don’t want to go because there’s gonna be so many people and even though I absolutely adore my family I really really hate big birthday dinners and my birthday was 3 days ago and my sister’s is tomorrow so can this be her birthday dinner instead gfjkgdfjk
Can my dad be a douche bag or what. I text him and told him since he agreed to pay for my “first” tattoo for my birthday that I would just need the money. He tells me we have to talk about it and I reply that he already agreed so there’s no backing out now, if he tries to back out I’ll use money from other people and get it anyway. And he calls me complaining about how defensive I am and maybe I should give him a chance. The only reason I get defensive is because “We have to talk about it” always means “I’ve changed my mind”, so I’m not putting up with the shit anymore. He’s like oh I need to know what you’re getting and where you’re getting it and this and that. I said mom already knows everything and we found a good artist and it’s done with and he’s fighting with me because he wants to take me. How. About. No. He’s not taking me anywhere for anything like that so he can sit there and be sour and embarrass me. Hell no. I can handle myself and what I’m getting and the artist I’m going to. Clearly if I already have 2, I don’t need his damn permission.
I’ve been having such an amazing night and its still going wonderfully..but now I’m actually thinking, and now I want to cry. Can this stop already, I want one good night without this bullshit. I’m surrounded by people that love me to death, but I still figure out a way to be sad.
“Don’t pout in front of me, it hurts me”. Well what the fuck do you want me to do, pretend everything is nice and peachy when you clearly just pissed me the fuck off?
I have so much going on in my head right now that I don’t even know how to describe it at all and my emotions are just eating me alive.
I’m at the point of exhaustion where I’m starting to get really emotional and hate how fucking unfair a lot of things are. Being in a different body would be a massive plus but really I just want to be able to hold my girlfriend.