I hate being so jealous and possessive but that’s who I am and it’s something I can’t change no matter how hard I try. All I can do is suppress it the best I can and be sure not to act on it because who am I to tell someone they belong to me when they don’t. Fuck that. I just have to sit here and get over it.
My heart hurts. I can’t handle thinking about my life and my family and Alaska and my future all at the same time. I thought I was coming back, I thought things were starting to become a little bit clearer but I’m set back again. I don’t see a future, again. Everything is a blur past tomorrow and I want to tear my body up with glass and break the bones in my hand.
Found something I wish I didn’t while sorting my bookshelf.
Sobbing on the floor.
Crying all over the pages.
I can’t bring myself to get rid of it.
That was my life. Parts of it continue to be my life.
This just hurts so bad.
I know this is a temporary feeling but right now I feel that dying in my sleep tonight would be the most wonderful thing.
Life has been throwing me all kinds of curveballs lately. I don’t know what to do, or what to think of it. But so far, I’m getting through it okay. And I guess that’s what matters, right?
I know this seems so horribly shallow but honestly if I think about the fact that I don’t have freckles too much, I get really really upset. Ever since I was little I’ve wanted them so bad and it bugs me enough to bring me to tears.
Not knowing if a deceased loved one would still love you even though you go against a lot of family beliefs and your goals are something that they hated is a really hard thing.
I really am so upset by Shirley Temple’s death. My grandma and I would watch her all the time and that was just our thing. None of the other grandkids were interested, but I was. And I don’t know, it sucks a lot. I hope she’s resting easy.
The owner of the property I live on also owns the house a bit down the street from us, and she might have to kick that guy out because he hasn’t paid rent since October. So if that happens, my mom and I are gonna move into that house which is really nice because we’ll be away from our current neighbors, we’ll have a garage, plus the fenced in back yard. But we’re also talking about letting me rescue a pitbull if we get to move there. I’d have to pay for the food and whatnots but hopefully I’ll have a job by the time this possibly happens, and if I don’t, I have enough to support the dog for a little while until I do. And just the possibility of this happening makes me so happy I’m on the verge of tears. I really want to find a group that rescues pitbulls and educates people about the issues with fighting and abuse, but also the myths about the breed. Even with not having one of my own yet, pits have really become a big part of my life and I want to become as involved with them as I can. I don’t know. This makes me happy.
And I also want to find someone passionate about Copeland and be able to go into their ask box and act like we’re good friends even though we don’t know eachother. But there’s so many people who just lack passion. And I’m overwhelming, I know. No one wants to hear me when I’m this way.
Everything is about how people feel. Which is okay, but what I need is a way to express how I’m not feeling. I want to read someone’s writing that understands what I’m saying. I want something that expresses my lack of feeling. Lack of connection. It’s not about how sad I am. It’s about how numb I am.
There’s so much weird and creepy shit going on in my family right now and my cousin’s puppy died this morning and no one has been able to cry because we’re just scared and suspicious and creeped out and the police are getting involved and my cousin and her other dog might end up staying here for a while because we don’t know what’s going on and we’re not putting her safety on the line and oh my god.
Right now most of my friends think I’m attractive, which is nice. And I guess it just hurts knowing that once I get to where I want to be when it comes to my facial piercings and scarification, nearly none of them will look at me the same or think I’m even a quarter as attractive as they think I am right now. And it sucks, ya know? I want to be my own person and do my own things and I want to be happy with how I look, but how can I get there when I know I’ll get nothing but shit from the people I care about? It’s just frustrated. I modify myself because it makes me happy, but then it’s so much negative from everyone else. I don’t know. I just want to move away and do what I want to myself and meet people who are okay with it. I guess once I start moving up in my career, I’ll come across more people that do what I do, and have the same passions. They won’t have to learn how to love me, it’ll just happen.